If CBeebies did the Oscars…



It’s the Oscars this weekend. Will I be watching? Will I, hell. It’s hard to get excited about film when I haven’t stayed awake through-out one since 2010. The nearest I get to the red carpet is a Ribenna stain on the stairs.
No, my idols are more small screen these days. CBeebies small, in fact. No judgement please – I’ve got the attention span of a 3 year old of late and it’s surprising how much emotion Mr Tumble can channel when you’ve only had 3 hours sleep. Which got me thinking, who would win the CBeebies Oscars?
Best Picture
It’s got to be Swashbuckle, the show with everything; an all-star cast, edge-of-your seat suspense, comedy japes, cracking costumes and a sing-along soundtrack. And pirates are so hot right now; with Captain Phillips up for an actual Oscar this year, Swashbuckle is right on trend.
Best Actor in a Leading Role
Sorry Old Jack’s Boat and Grandpa in my Pocket but your wait ain’t over yet – this year’s Gong has to go to Andy’s Dinosaur Adventures. A controversial choice, I know. Official sources state Andy’s former sidekick Kip from Wild Adventures is too busy inventing new gadgets to join Andy in prehistoric times but we reckon he’s in a right sulk. (No wacky invention can trump time travel.) And rumours are rife about Andy’s new sidekick, Hattie, at the National Museum. Interloper!
Best Actress in a Leading Role
Leading ladies Katie from ‘I Can Cook‘ and Nina from ‘Nina and the Neurons‘ prepare to out grin each other on this one. The public vote says Nina; female AND a scientist. So right on. But the Academy is likely to favour stage school Katie, whose ambition is so raw and you can practically taste it. The woman is salivating, and it can’t be her cooking. (Lentil house, anyone? ) ‘Look at me! I love children! I have a cheerful disposition!’ she seems to scream. Still, she’s just had a new baby so it won’t last…
Best Animation
Contenders include Tree Fu Tom and the Octonauts, but where are the female nominations? Tree Fu Tom’s Ariana might squeeze in but I’m sorry, Treetog is just dull – always the part left to mummy in role-play re-enactments…  Octonauts isn’t much better, with all the female characters playing minor service roles back on deck. Tweak is totally unconvincing as an engineer – so out of her depth fixing the GUP-X  in the Christmas special. Still, that didn’t stop Gwyneth Paltrow bagging an Oscar for her unconvincing impression of a man in Shakespeare in Love and I bet Tweak’s acceptance speech would be better…
Lifetime Achievement
The bets are on for Justin Fletcher – mainly cos it’s very hard NOT to vote for him… He’s in everything from Mr Tumble to Justin’s House. He even does the voice for one of the Tweenies! But I’m not convinced. The man already weilds too muchmnlknr in pre-schooler TV for my liking. I’m hoping the lifetime achievement award goes to Cbeebies’ longest serving presenter, Sid Sloane, who moved on from presenting to do his own thing last year. Thank goodness he lives on in the immortal Let’s Play and Number Raps…
Costume Design
This one’s a toss-up between Mr Maker – nice waistcoat dude –and Mr Tumble and his spotty bag, both of whom take the Cbeebies ‘primary colours uniform’ to new levels. Though rumour has it there might be a surprise win for Andy Day, whose inappropriately-tight silver spacesuit whilst reading the birthdays one afternoon sent mummy viewers into orbit. Personally, I can’t believe Andy still hasn’t received an Oscar for his amazing Fatima Whitbread mask…

Andy Day
Fatima Whitbread
Best Soundtrack (Original Score)
Obviously Andy and Sid’s Number Raps are up there, but given the last 7 raps had to rhyme with word ‘teen’, they’re starting to get old. The golden enevelope surely has to go to Dr Ranj for his unforgettable Oh, Poo song on ‘Get Well Soon’. The lyrics almost made me wet my pants…
Water and fruit and running too,
We all know these are good for you,
But there’s something else that they do,
All work together to help you poo.
But sometimes you sit and you sigh and you heave,
‘Cos your poo won’t come out, how you wish it would leave.
Where does your poo come from?
Why does it stop?
Stay in your bottom and not make a plop?
Where does your poo come from?
Why does it stop?
Stay in your bottom and not make a plop?
Water and fruit and running too, we all know these are good for you,
But there’s something else that they do, All come together to help you poo.
Don’t squeeze or strain or do it in a rush,
Soon you will be finished, then you can flush.
Where does your poo come from?
Why does it stop?
Stay in your bottom and not make a plop?
Where does your poo come from?
Why does it stop?
Stay in your bottom and not make a plop?
Don’t squeeze or strain or do it in a rush,

Soon you will be finished then you can flush.

Which CBeebies star would you vote for an Oscar and why?

One thought

  1. Hahaha this made me laugh. Especially the ribena/red carpet. We’ve all got one! Justin Fletcher would definitely win lifetime achievement award even if he does give me the creeps! Best actress award definitely should go to Topsy and Tim’s mum, sure no one is really that perfect and calm when their 5 year olds make mistakes?…

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