I’ve been eating yoghurt wrong my whole life. Have you?

I’ve had a tough day. But that’s OK, I’ve got a yoghurt in the fridge. Nothing like a pot of curdled dairy to lift the spirits. So decadent!

No seriously, it’s like science, innit? A bit of Bifidus Regular Activearse will make everything better. Said no doctor, ever. (Yes I did just make that spelling up but the yoghurt peeps are making up whole words so touché.) 

Still, if Gok says it’ll make me feel ‘gorgeous’ then it must be true. And luckily, when I’m out shopping with my multi-racial friendship group, there nothing at all inconvenient about eating a yoghurt that makes me what to poo.

Thing is, sometimes I worry I’ve been eating yoghurt wrong my whole life. Maybe I should be eating it with my eyes closed, in the back of cabs, like Nicole Shitsinger? Extra ecstasy points for getting a blob on my nose if we stop unexpectedly. 

Or maybe I should be eating it in the bath. With a fireman. And a hose. Who needs porn when we’ve got yoghurt ads?
muller advert cum

If that doesn’t cheer me up, perhaps I should make like Amanda Holden and serve my yoghurt with a side order of half-naked man. I just love how Danone are subverting age-old gender roles by enslaving men in this ad. So post-modern. (Now I think about it, perhaps that’s why all yoghurt ads aimed at women. Real men can’t handle dairy)


Or perhaps I should be doing it with friends like the Perle De Get-Laid gang. I’ll have to stifle my disappointment when my friend reveals her much-speculated secret beauty tip is – Ta Da! – yoghurt, but it’ll be worth it for the post-coital glow of satisfaction I’ll have afterwards, non? If only I can work out what they are actually doing with said yoghurt to make themselves so damn beautiful. Smearing it on their faces a la Nicole, peutêtre?

But what if my friends don’t like yoghurt? Thank goodness there’s always Ryvita. Oh, those Ryvita girls, living the dream, one calorie at a time. Who knew crackers could crack us girls up so much? I’ll be cracking my cardboard smile in no time. 


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