The truth behind the heels

So, fellow mummies, what are you wearing today? Leggings? ‘Interesting’ scarf? Breton? Converse? Me too.

But, you know what? Who cares? We all know you can’t judge a mum till you’ve walked a mile in her shoes. And I am definitely a mum who walks in sensible flats. Flats Mummy, if you will.

Yet in moments of doubt or crisis, when I’m feeling-down-at-heel, I find myself fantasising about a whole new me. A mum who takes this parenting business in her stride: Enter Heeled Mummy.

Heeled Mummy’s children always look scrubbed. It’s as if they’re wipe-clean, water-repellent, Teflon-coated.

Meanwhile, Flats Mummy’s children have been known to trash a freshly-laundered outfit in the few metres between the front door and the car. Mud and crumbs magnetise to them like iron filings. Her kids hair – in my personal experience – is always on the frizzy side of curly.

`When Heeled Mummy is out and about, her family march behind her, in time with her rhythmic clip-clop. No diving into puddles for them. No tripping over or crouching to pick worms from pavement cracks.

Poor Flats Mummy is a walking oxymoron: she’s never actually on the flat. She’s halfway up a slide, pushing a buggy up a hill or bouncing on a trampoline. TBH, she’s lucky she’s not in wellies.

Naturally, Heeled Mummy keeps an immaculate house. Her shoe cupboard is her house in microcosm. Shoes are in racks, the more expensive pairs cosseted in cloth bags or Heeled Mum’s pride and joy: perspex boxes labelled with Polaroid shots of the shoes inside.

Poor Flats Mum’s shoes are kicked under the bed. She’s normally in Uggs, cos they double as slippers, and give her the edge on Heeled Mummy when it comes to ‘blitzing’ the house. But despite Flats Mummy’s amazing speed, she’s always on the back foot.

Heeled Mummy has not let motherhood change her. She still enjoys regular date nights with her husband and can hold intelligent conversations about things outside the family. She has regular hair cuts, even the occasional blow dry, and knows her beauty therapist by name. When she’s out, Heeled Mum takes things to even greater heights – she wouldn’t be seen dead in less than six inches.

Flats Mum takes ‘day into night’ wear to new levels; she’s never out of her pjs unless she’s leaving the house and when it comes to evening wear, she just about manages to throw a scarf over offending stains and ‘dry shampoo’ her hair. She does own a pair of heels, but can only find one of them. Besides, she’s late and she can’t run in them.

Heeled Mum manages to make heels look empowering – she refuses to let age-old sexism get in the way of her right to work a sexy pair of stilettos. Heels make her groomed and in-control. A bit of extra height puts a spring in her step. She’s the sort of woman who makes those in flats look like quitters.

Flats Mum has always been a tiny bit suspicious of heels anyway. Since she’s had a little girl, she’s started worrying about things like wearing pink and the long history of patriarchy tied up with stilettos… surely just one step away from foot binding? Heels don’t make her look powerful any more. They slow her down and make her walk like a child in dressing up clothes. And they’re bloody difficult to step over Lego in.

Oh, Heeled Mummy – how I look up to you. One day I will run across a park without my heels sinking into the grass. One day I’ll work the school run on a pinprick heel. One day, Heeled Mummy, I will walk in your shoes…

And then the fun began...
Running in Lavender

24 thoughts

  1. I know a Heeled Mummy – she works in my office and she is the epitomy of glamour! However, from your description, who’s children are having more fun? The ones jumping in puddles and bug-hunting I reckon. 🙂 Thanks for linking Jude! #thetruthabout Xx
    Sam recently posted…The Truth about… #43My Profile

    1. So Heeled Mummies do exist! Wow! But you’re right, I just can’t imagine how they have fun. Thanks for reading and commenting. x

  2. Oh this is brilliant! So funny 🙂 I am always aspiring to be that heeled glamorous mum!! But I do that much walking on the school run and to work, that I have to wear flat ankle boots. I throw on a nice scarf in the hope it makes me look more ‘heeled mum’. Great post…I have shared on twitter as I think many will relate!! xx
    teacuptoria recently posted…A Day In The Life Of A Modern MumMy Profile

    1. Nothing like a jazzy scarf to cheer up us mums up when we’re feeling ‘flat’! Thanks so much for reading, commenting and sharing. Glad you can relate! x

    1. She’s probably a moody cow, right?! I know I am when I attempt to clip clop around in heels for any length of time. Thanks for reading and commenting. x

  3. Heeled mummy sounds a bit scary. Anyone who has got that level of control over life has obviously got some issues we dont know about just waiting to explode (sorry to any heeled mums out there) i prefer flat mummy, I can relate to her. #thetruthabout

  4. I would love to be one of those women who wear stilettos all day and make them look comfortable. The reality is after a couple of hours in heels I just want to cry lol. From a parenting perspective, it sounds like your kids have way more fun than heeled mummy’s! #SundayStars
    Random Musings recently posted…Avon Haul 2My Profile

    1. Ha! I know the feeling Debbie. My feet are literally weeping after more than an hour in heels these days. Thanks for reading and commenting xx

  5. I always look at Heeled Mummy and think how dull she looks and how selfish she must be (one particular ex-Spice Girl in mind). Kids want someone who gets stuck on a climbing frame with them, gets covered in mud from the puddles, and can chase after them across all terrains. That’s what they will remember, not what you wore on your feet. Give me Converse and no bunions any day!! 🙂 #sundaystars
    Harry’s Honest Mummy recently posted…Magic Moments 13/09/2015My Profile

    1. Never thought of it like that before! You’re right. I’d rather bunions than boring! Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing x

  6. I am trying my best to improve my appearance for I have been very uninterested for the last few years and I want a little bit of glamour back! Having twins has been IMPOSSIBLE to wear heels and I am to sure I’ll ever wear them again! Wedges perhaps?? Great post 🙂 #sundaystars

    1. I am a new convert to small wedges. Finding them much more practical. Hate that that’s a priority but at least it’s a step in the right direction, right. Hope they work for you – I admire your efforts. I’m sure if I had twins I’d be doubly less likely to try! Thanks for reading and commenting! x

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