My Dishwasher is a Diva.

Never mind the kids, my house has a new diva. Enter The Dishwasher. So blimin’ high maintenance.

‘Salt me, rinse aid me, empty my filter,’ every two seconds. And much like the kids, the dishwasher will tantrum over the smallest of details.

‘Washing, you say? Oh no, I won’t be doing any of that, not unless you rinse everything front and back, stack the cutlery basket like a flower arrangement and use very expensive products. Yes, I can tell the difference.’

Cooking Pots and Glassware? Are you mad, woman?

Perhaps the dishwasher has been taking tips from the oven. Such a bad influence.’Looking to wind up the owners I see?’ it groans. ‘What you need is a funny noise, my friend. Nothing OTT, a low-level unidentifiable clank should do it. The key is persistence. And cranking it up towards February – nothing scares them more than a cold snap without us.

‘Oi, what about me?’ pipes up the fridge. ‘I busted a hinge scaring them stupid the other day. Mwah, ha ha! Now my door only closes on a wonk and very. very. slowly. Good luck keep the kids out of there, suckers.’

If only the kitchen appliances could be a more like ye old fire. So reliable. God knows, we haven’t swept the chimney since we moved in 7 years ago but still it crackles merrily, making the house all cosy, never bothering the carbon monoxide monitor or smoke alarm.

Thank God, cause I think the radiators are in cahoots with the boiler. (The original go-to drama queen of every house.) Every year they gang up on us at the first sign of a frost.

‘Bleed me, balance me, reset me!’ they moan, only to give us the cold shoulder for days, heating up a miserable amount at the bottom just to tease us.

Upstairs is less demanding, except the curtain rail in the bedroom. Such an attention seeker. Been refusing to close without Prima-Donna levels of coaxing for months, before pinging off the wall and going totally AWOL last week. Probably gone looking for the Sky remote.

Household appliances. Who do they think they are? And is it just mine, or do they all throw their weight around even more in the Winter, just when we need them most?

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